


the one with the fucked up summer camp

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2k, KickTheStickz - Freeform, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Hospital, Mental Institutions, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Teen! Phan, Teenagers, Yikes, slow e v e r y t h i n g, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-03-27 03:24:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13872081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: (tw) Dan had only meant to spend a relaxing afternoon in the sun, slowly dying. Instead, he ended up in the children's psychiatric and behavioral medicine unit. It's not all bad though, as there seem to be quite a few friendly faces behind those locked hospital double doors, including a certain black haired boy...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys! so this is my first fic. it's based off my experiences at the Seattle childrens pbmu. i'm really sorry if youve been to a mental hospital, they suck, but please dont come for me with the "ummm excuse you this doesnt match my experience go fuck urself." thx!! anyway, yeah please enjoy! ill add tags as the story progresses so there may be spoilers up in there, sorry.

it didn’t start out as a serious plan. He would swallow a few pills, call 911, and get the help he needed. But as the days got longer, the nights shorter, and the deadlines closer, the idea of laying in the sun listening to his favorite songs as the life slowly faded from him became more and more appealing. But of course his parents had to come and ruin it all.

Dan’s mum hadn’t screamed. She remained silent, having come home early to find her son lying on the cool linoleum tiler of the kitchen. She remained silent on the long drive to the children’s hospital across town. When her silence broke at the front desk of the emergency room, her voice did as well. Dan had to explain to the receptionist how he had tried to overdose while he comforted his sobbing Mother.

“We’ll have a nurse see you as soon as possible. Please take a seat, love.”  
Dan nodded. He gripped his mums arm tighter and led her to the chairs. As they waited, he paused the frantic racing of his thoughts to asses the other children in the waiting room. None of them looked happy. 

What a depressing place to work, he thought. 

“Daniel howell?” A kind looking woman called. She was in scrubs and stood in front of an empty wheelchair by the double doors to the ER. She caught Dan’s eye. “Ah.” She wheeled the chair over to him, avoiding a moaning girl who’s leg appeared to be broken. Without a word she helped Dan out of his seat and into the one she was pushing. 

“Thanks,” Dan mumbled. 

After they pumped his stomach, what seemed like and may very well have been a thousand questions bombarded Dan until nearly three a.m. By that time he was emotionally and physically exhausted.

His mother and now father and brother lay curled up in chairs in his room. But Dan couldn’t sleep. He lay in his too-loose gown on his too small bed absently picking at the surgical tape around his iv. Every so often the guard outside his door would tell him to stop, that he couldn’t allow Dan to hurt himself, but Dan payed him no attention. His mind was occupied with other things. Namely, how bad he had fucked up. 

“Daniel?” Said a voice outside the door. Dan looked up. Great, another doctor. He hoped this wasn’t another psychiatrist here to asses him. 

“Yes, that’s me,” Dan said warily. The doctor crept into his room, careful of not disturbing his family. 

“I’m doctor korselind,” she said, offering out her hand. Dan shook it with his tubeless arm. “We have a room ready for you upstairs, if you’d like to wake up your family you can have someone bring up your belongings with you. Dan nodded. He stood up and shook his father's shoulder lightly. The man woke with a start. 

“Sorry,” Dan said. “We’re going upstairs now.” His father nodded wordlessly, and stood up to grab the paper bag the nurses had stashed Dan’s clothes in.

“Sorry, no strings,” one had said as she confiscated his sweatshirt. 

“And no pockets,” another had said, taking his signature black skinny jeans. 

“Ready?” Doctor korselind asked. Dan and his father nodded. With that they were led to an elevator, down a hall, and into a room labeled the pbmu (psychiatric and behavioral medicine unit, Dan noted with a grimace) waiting room. Dan was weighed, and led through a locked door and into a room labeled “living space” that looked almost like a futuristic hotel. All the furniture was either foam or bolted to the floor. The colors were bright and cheerful yet somehow still depressing. It smelled like hand sanitizer. They walked through another locked door and into a room full of doors. They each had a name above them, Dan’s included. He assumed that would be his, and took the initiative to go inside and to sleep. His room had two beds (one for a parent, the doctor explained), a mirror (plastic and bolted to the wall), and cubbies underneath the bare beds. A clock high on the wall read 3:18 a.m. 

“I’ll take your iv out now,” the doctor stated, reaching for Dan’s arm. “And would you like your dad to stay the night?” Dan shook his head. “Okay.”

He hugged his dad goodbye and crawled under the hospital linens. 

Somehow Dan managed a few hours of fitful sleep. He cursed the nurse who carefully woke him up bright and early at 7:30. He seemed apologetic, but that didn’t excuse his horrific act of waking Dan up before noon. “Breakfast at nine,” he said. “And you’re still SL two so I’ll have to search you and the bathroom before you use it.” Dan nodded. He was too tired to bother asking what SL meant. 

Breakfast was served in dark blue, thick plastic containers that each patient received by having their wristband scanned. They kept the soggy French toast at a relatively edible temperature. Dan sat on his foam block at the bolted down plastic table in silence, hoping to make it through the morning with no social interaction. Of course that’s not what happened. 

“Hey new kid,” a boy with moppy brown hair and sizable bags under his eyes called, mouth full. Dan looked up. 

“Me?”

“Yes, you. What’re you in for?”

“Wow, not even going to ask my name are you?” Dan laughed. The other boy rolled his eyes. 

“Don’t mind Chris, he can be a real ass,” a pretty blonde girl said. “I’m Louise.”

“Dan.”

Chris scowled. “Pleasure.”

Dan tugged self consciously on his curly hair. “That’s what I’ll be giving your mum later,” he mumbled.

“Oooooooooh!” Louise squealed. Chris smiled.

“I like you, Dan,” He said. “But not as much as i like Peej!”

“Oh, bloody- not this shit again,” louise sighed. “He’s OBSESSED with this boy named PJ. Won’t shut up about him. It’s getting quite annoying, honestly.”

Dan laughed, a tinge of nervousness colouring it. “I never answered your question, anyway,” he said quickly. “I’m here because I tried to overdose.” Neither Louise nor Chris batted an eye. 

“I’m bulimic,” Louise said in an almost proud manner. She grinned. “Crabstickz here is a maniac.”

“No,” Chris corrected. “I had one little manic episode and my parents sent me here.”

“Wait, hold up,” Dan said. “Crab sticks?”

“Stupid nickname,” Chris mumbled, looking down at the stained floor. 

“Ah.” An awkward silence ensued. 

“What does SL two mean?” Dan asked, desperate to hear voices now that the silence felt so suffocating. 

“Oof, you’re a two.” Louise said. “SL stands for suicide level, and you’re a two out of three. That means you don’t have to have a coach with you at all times but you can’t be alone. Got a bathroom check this morning, did you?” Dan nodded. 

“There’s also run risk and aggression levels,” Chris added on. “I’m a two for both.” Dan raised his eyebrows but nodded anyway. 

The blue platters breakfast had been served in were whisked away, and their small group was herded by nurses to a larger one back into the room Dan had entered the night before, the living space. It seemed slightly less depressing now that the feeble morning light filtered in through the windows. Slightly.

Dan looked around at the group already gathered there, splayed out on foam furniture or in nooks in the wall. They all seemed about his age, some older and a few younger. There were about fifteen total. Dan was the only one still in a hospital gown, as everyone else seemed to have adopted the uniform of long-sleeve tees to hide their scars, and trackies.

The only available sitting area appeared to be next to a boy with black hair in a style similar to Dan’s, only straight and glossy in the way Dan could only dream about having. He looked approachable enough. Dan hesitantly took a seat on the lime green block.

“Hello!” the boy immediately said in a slight northern accent. Dan felt his stomach twinge. 

“Er… hello.”

Before he could ask the boy his name, a nurse whose name tag read Adam clapped his hands and began the community meeting. “Everyone is to say their name, one of their triggers, and a coping skill they have,” He announced. “Jack, would you like to start?”

A boy with bright green hair shrugged, but spoke anyway. “Alright. I’m jack, but you probably guessed that. One of my triggers is people yelling, and my only coping skill is video games, which you wont fuckin let me have here which is complete shit.” 

They went around the circle in this manner, with louise listing scrambled eggs as a trigger; (“They just have the worst texture coming back up” she shuddered), until they came to the boy next to Dan.

“Hi, i'm phil,” he stated. “A trigger I have is homophobia, and a coping skill i use is coloring.”  
“Thank you, phil,” Adam said. And then it was Dan's turn. He swallowed dryly. All eyes were on him. 

“Um- hi… my name is Dan, and i guess going outside triggers me, and i cope with that by staying inside.”

“Great, Dan,” another nurse said, handing him a green slip of paper. “Put that on your trigger card. That’s not the healthiest coping skill but that’s why you're here.”

Dan nodded. Phil silently passed him a marker from a bundle of what appeared to be socks inside of a paper folder. Dan took it, greatful, and wrote ‘outside,’ under triggers and ‘internet’ under coping skills. Phil giggled. “Me too.”

After the community meeting came ‘school.” The large group of kids broke off into smaller groups based on age. Dan was pleased to find himself with Louise, Chris, and phil, along with a petite brunette girl and a tall green-eyed boy Chris seemed to be paying very close attention to. They were led through the dining hall to a room labeled ‘classroom,’ filled with paperback books and washable markers. It was considerably cheerier than the other areas dan had been in so far, as there was art all over the light colored wood walls. 

A nurse handed dan a packet of paperwork, and the next hour passed in a similar way to normal school; chatting and filling out monotonous, dull forms. Dan learned the talk boy was the infamous PJ he’d heard so much about. He was there because “I’m schizophrenic or something, but they aren’t quite sure.” The other girl was Zoe, and she’d overdosed on Xanax and ended up in the ER.  
“They cut my favorite bra off me just because I wasn’t breathing,” she moaned to Louise. The blonde nodded in sympathy, patting her on the arm. 

It was at this point that a nurse informed dan of the rules. 

“Sorry, love, but no sharing personal information. That includes how you got here.” She shot a glare at his companions. “I know you lot already know this, but no physical contact as well. That includes you two as well,” she shot at Louise and Zoe. Louise lowered her hands from Zoe’s hair where they had been busy at work braiding. 

Dan suddenly felt a wave of shame wash over him. He’d been breaking the rules all morning. That disappeared though when he looked around the table at his peers rolling their eyes. Rules weren’t respected here. 

Dan turned his attention back to the paperwork. It was something called a chain analysis that seemed to have the underlying message of everything is all your fault. ‘What actions led up to you coming here?’ One of the questions read. Dan flashed back to the orange bottle in his shaking hands, the pills bitter taste as he swallowed handful after handful dry. 

Soon dan had finished his paperwork and it was snack time. They all filed amicably to the dining hall. Each table only sat four people. Zoe, Louise. PJ and Chris seemed to have taken up one; so phil and dan took another. 

“Um- I miss playing Mario kart,” dan said. He mentally kicked himself. How stupid can you get? Luckily, phil seemed to relate. He sighed wistfully. 

“Me too. I miss popcorn, also.”

“And internet access,” dan added. 

“Staying in bed until noon”

“Music.”

“Jerking off.”

Dan choked. “What?” 

Phil grinned. “They don’t let you take long showers here.” Dan was turning quite pink at this point. 

“Good to know.”

“You haven’t been here long enough for that though, have you?” Phil asked. “You’re still in your gown.” Dan nodded. 

“Yeah, my parents haven’t brought my clothes yet.”

“Alright everyone, snack is over. Let’s make our way to group room one.” Adam said. Phil picked up his plastic container of celery and brought it to the cart the food came it. Dan followed. 

‘Group’ turned out to be a group therapy session where the nurses taught them a dbt skill. Dan learned that dbt stood for dialectic behavioral therapy, which basically meant learning that you can be both happy and sad; two things that are opposites existing at the same time. That resonated with dan. 

“Hey Adam, answer me this,” pj queried. “If I can be crazy-sorry, special and sane at the same time according to this, why am I here?”

Adam sighed. “Pj, we’ve been over this. While you can exist dialectically, it doesn’t mean that you should go around being ten percent happy and ninety percent sad. It’s our goal here at the pbmu to help you live your life worth living, which hopefully doesn’t mean you’re ninety percent sad. That’s just not fun.”

“Sorry,” pj said sheepishly. “I just want to leave.”

“Don’t we all,” Chris grumbled. 

After group came time for exercise. The bane of Dan’s existence. Thankfully, only patients who had all ones for their levels could go. That left Chris, phil, and dan.

“Can we go out in the zoo?” Asked phil. Adam, who seemed to be attached to Dan’s little group, nodded. The walked down the stairs past a short climbing wall and out into a courtyard. Dan could see why they called it the zoo. They were surrounded by high fences, making it to where they could see out to the rest of the hospital garden but remained in the cramped courtyard like animals in an exhibit. 

While Chris moped in the corner about missing an opportunity to see pj in swimming trunks, dan and phil took a seat on the mound of sun warmed, plastic grass. 

“How’s your first day?” Phil asked, arms behind his head. Dan shrugged. 

“About what you’d expect. Everyone’s quite a bit nicer than I thought they’d be, though.”  
Phil nodded. He looked lost in thought. 

Dan cautiously lay down next to him. The grass pricked the back of his neck, but it felt nice. “Why’re you here?” He asked. “You seem pretty… normal.”  
Phil laughed. “Yeah, right.”  
Dan sat up. “I’m serious! You seem like someone I’d be friends with if I met you outside of here and if I actually made friends.”  
Phil sighed. A crease appeared in his brow. “My… my friend died,” he said suddenly. “Guess I’m depressed now.”  
“Hey, me too!” Dan said. “Well- not the dead friend part, I’m really really sorry about that by the way, but yeah. Depression is a bitch.” Phil smiled. It didn’t reach his eyes.  
“What’s this?” Dan asked, desperate to change the subject after it had taken that dark turn. He picked up a small, brightly colored rubber object with two sucker cups on the sides.  
“A squig,” phil answered, taking it from dan. He threw it at a wall. It stuck.  
“Whoa. Is it called a squig because that’s the sound it makes when you pull it off?”  
Phil laughed. “What? No.”  
“No look,” dan said. “It’s an onomatopoeia. Squig.” Phil just laughed. They passed the next hour passing the squig and talking with Chris. Dan learned that phil had an older brother named Martyn who was in uni now.  
“Yeah, he’s almost as weird as I am,” phil said with a laugh. Dan was glad he wasn’t quite as sad now.  
As he sat in the sun with his new friends, dan had a sudden thought. “Guys,” he said. “I’m kinda glad I’m not dead right now.”


	2. Chapter 2

Dan’s parents visited him on his second day during lunch break. His mum brought him sweatpants and a tee. His dad bought him a caramel macchiato. His brother didn’t show up at all. 

Dan should have expected it, to be honest. Your older brother, your role model, tries to kill himself? That’s pretty selfish, Dan thought. He would be mad too. 

“Lucky,” Phil huffed at Dan. 

“Pardon?”

“Oh my god, you’re so posh. But wow, I’ll have to ask my parents for Starbucks too.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty lit,” Dan laughed. “Wait, did you call me posh?” 

Phil rolled his eyes playfully. “You are.”

They were interrupted by Louise running back into the hall. “Guys!” She squealed. “I just got back from talking to my psychiatrist and GUESS WHAT?”

Dan and Phil raised their eyebrows expectantly. 

“I'M DISCHARGING!”

Dan wrinkled his nose. “Ok Louise, too much info.”

“Oh, for fucks sake- not out of my vagina. From the hospital! I’ve been here for eight horrible, horrible days. Tonight I’ll be leaving, going home to binge and purge as I please. Yay!”

“Ummmm…” Dan said hesitantly. “Congratulations?”

Louise beamed. “Thanks!”

After that, Dan found himself watching the clocks that were in every room, counting down the seconds until Louise would be gone. He found that he quite liked her, and would miss her positive presence. 

During ‘school,’ he slid a piece of paper over to her. She was working on her discharge paperwork and didn’t notice at first. When she did, her face lit up. She scribbled something hastily, and passed it back over to Dan under the table. He quickly tucked it into the waistband of his sweatpants. Phil raised his eyebrows. 

“Phone number,” Dan mouthed at him. Phil nodded. He continued coloring on the sheet a nurse had given him. It was an intricate lion made of geometric shapes. Phil picked up a blue marker and began shading the ears. As he did so, Dan watched his face. He got a cute little crease on his forehead when he concentrated, Dan noticed. 

Dan wished he had a coloring sheet. Or music, or the internet, or some hot tea, or literally any other coping skill. A nurse had informed him that he would be having his one on one consultation (what the fuck was that, by the way?) with a resident psychiatrist today. She neglected to say when. 

Dan was shaken out of his nervous thoughts by Phil’s voice. “Do you want to color this with me?” He asked timidly. Dan nodded in relief. How did Phil know him so well after only two days? He scooted his chair closer. “Really, Dan? Grey?”

Dan laughed. “It’s the best color!” He explained, a tad bit defensive. 

Phil shrugged. They colored together in amicable silence until the end of ‘school.’ 

For lunch, the hospital cafeteria had prepared them grilled cheese. “Wow, my favorite!” Phil said sarcastically. He leaned back as much as you can in a chair that’s attached to the table to Zoe, Chris, Pj and Louise. “Want it, Zoe?” He teased, tongue between his teeth. 

Zoe wrinkled her tiny nose. “Very funny,” she spat.

Phil raised his eyebrows. “What’s wrong?”

“She’s mad because I’m getting out of this hellhole and leaving her all alone to be the only one with an eating disorder here” Louise interjected. Zoe glared at her. 

“Yeah… maybe.”

“It’s not lou’s fault she’s leaving,” Dan said. “It’s the nurses’ for discharging her.”

“You don’t get it,” Zoe huffed. “I know it’s not her fault but i’m mad anyway. I feel like she’s abandoning me, and odds are i’ll never see her again.”

“I’m right here,” Louise pointed out. Zoe continued on as if she didn't hear.

“None of you guys were here when Alfie was, but we were really great together. When the nurses kept forgetting to take my urine sample back, he carried it around for me until Adam asked what he was doing holding a cup of piss. He told me he would put ‘piss boy’ in his instagram bio so i could find him, but what if he forgot and i can't find him and oh god I don’t even know his last name oh god i miss him so much-” at this point the girl choked out a sob, her head falling into her palms. Louise wrapped her in a tight hug before a nurse yelled at her for breaking boundaries.

“Love, it’s going to be okay. You’ll be out of here soon too and you’ll find your boy. And if he was lying about the piss boy thing then he’s not worth it anyway. You’ll be okay. We all will,” She added to the group, looking up and nodding. 

Dan felt a swell of warmth in his chest. It was as if this girl were his mum. She knew exactly what to say. But Louise was discharging, he remembered suddenly. She’d be gone by the morning. 

“What are we going to do without you, Lou?” Zoe sniffled, voicing Dan’s thoughts exactly.

“I’ll be the new Lou,” Pj offered.

“Nah, you're too daddy to be our mom,” Chris smirked. Pj blushed. Dan noticed he didn't deny it.

Lunch, now forever known as ‘wholesome bonding sesh time,’ came to an end far faster than Dan would have wanted. He was too nervous to eat his grilled cheese, but his stomach didn't seem to get the memo. It rumbled in a decidedly unpleasant manner. Any minute a nurse could call Dan back to a conference room, where he’d have to relive the day he decided to take his life. 

Group, exercise, snack, break and dinner passed excruciatingly slow yet oddly quick in that way only anxiety makes things feel. Dan was on edge the whole time. His jaw was now beginning to ache from the near constant clenching, and there were crescent shaped indents in his palms. 

Finally, as they were getting ready for bed and doing their nightly sleep hygiene group, a tall man with a scruffy red beard approached Dan. He held a clipboard with pages upon pages of official looking documents. His nametag read Dr. Crawford. Dan gulped. 

“Hello, Daniel. I’m Pete. Come with me.” Dan stood on shaky legs and followed the man to a conference room. The door closed behind them with a dull thud. 

“Bit chilly, isn’t it?” Pete remarked. Dan shrugged. He hesitantly took a seat at the round table, shivering slightly. 

“So. Would you like to tell me why you’re here?” Pete asked. 

“Ok,” Dan tried to say. But the word got stuck in his throat. He cleared it and tried again. “Ok,” he said, louder this time. “I took too many pills, and then my mum took me here.”

“Alright. That’s a reason why you’re here,” Pete explained, “but I want to know the root of why. Why you took those pills in the first place, why the idea even crossed your mind. It’s okay if you don’t know,” he said, seeing Dan’s upturned brows. “That’s what I’m here.”

Dan sighed. “I don’t know if I have the answers you’re looking for,” he said testily. “I already told you. I’m here because I took pills with the intention of ending my life. That’s all there is to it.”

Unfazed, the doctor clasped his hands together. “So Daniel, you’re telling me that you had no reason for choosing to commit suicide?”

“Well… if you put it that way…”

The doctor waited patiently as Dan paused. 

“I guess I just wasn’t happy. Is that what you want me to say?”

“If it’s true,” Pete replied. “Can we go a little deeper? I want to know about some of the things that make you unhappy.”

Immediately, Dan flashed back to every time he had something thrown at him. Insults, slurs, rocks, exacto knives. He flinched involuntarily. 

“Daniel?”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, you did nothing wrong. I was simply wondering if you were alright. You seem to be escalated.” The doctor explained. 

“Escalated?” Dan repeated. 

“You appear to be showing signs that you’re close to being triggered.”

“Ah. Well, yeah. Just having some traumatic flashbacks, you know, the usual.”

Pete sat back in his chair, hands still together. “Would you like to elaborate on said flashbacks?”

“Sure. I guess,” Dan said. He was slowly becoming more relaxed around Pete. “One time I was with a group of my friends- well, I say friends but they’re really more like acquaintances that tolerated me- and I was wearing an mcr shirt. These massive twats threw rocks at me and shouted ‘die emo scum,’ which was fun. Oh, and there was that time last week when I had knives tossed at my face while being called a loser and the f slur, which I won’t even say- that isn’t true, if you were wondering. I’m straight.” 

Pete raised his eyebrows. “Sounds like you’re dealing with some bullying, to me. That can really take a number on your self esteem. Do you ever feel worthless, Daniel? That no one likes you, that you don’t matter?”

Dan paused. “Yeah… sometimes.”

The doctor nodded. “How often?”

“Every goddamn day,” Dan admitted. “I also have this feeling that I’m not doing my part in the world, that I’m just taking up space. Almost like somehow I can be making a difference, I’m just too pathetic and I’m not doing what I can.” The doctor remained silent, so Dan continued. “My parents sure don’t help. Everything I’ve done I can do better at, and everything that I can do my brother does twice as well. They don’t have much time, so when they don’t give me attention I get lonely. When I do something attention seeking or flat out ask for some love I feel greedy and unworthy, almost sleazy. It’s not fun.”

“Tell me more about your parents.”

“They’re average, I guess. Well, a little on the young side. And a little bit too busy to have had kids, in my opinion. They don’t notice half the times I come home drunk, and when I don’t come home at all they’re just like, ‘be more responsible next time, Dan.’ It’s infuriating,” Dan fumed. 

“Tell me more about your substance use,” Pete said. He sounded unperturbed by the fact that Dan was underage.

Dan flushed red. “Well, I don’t smoke because that’s fucking disgusting, and I’m not cool enough to do any sort of drugs. I know people through school acting that have parties pretty regularly, and it would be rude not to invite me so they usually do. I said parties, but it’s really just downing a liter of cider in the woods. So, yeah.”

“Are these parties fun?” the doctor asked., Daniel?” The doctor inquired. 

“No.”

“Then why do you go?”

“To drink… I guess.” Dan said

“Alright. It’s getting late,” the doctor sighed. Dan glanced at the clock. It was nearly ten. “And I think I have enough info to diagnose you with depression, but that probably isn’t a surprise. I’ll send you back to your room now, I apologize for keeping you so late.”

Dan muttered something that was probably sarcastic, but pete didn't catch it, thankfully. They both stood up and made their way out of the room and down the hall, through the dining hall and living space to the rooms. Dan said a polite goodbye and fell straight into bed, exhausted. Yet sleep eluded him.

Dan tossed and turned until the clock read nearly one a.m., when he finally fell into a fitful sleep filled with rocks and emo fringes. Suddenly, someone began to pound frantically at Dan’s door. He sat bolt upright, and drew the hospital linens to his face. 

“Dan! Dan!” yelled the person outside.

Dan relaxed. “Shut up, crabstickz! I’m trying to sleep,” he groaned.

“I stole a keycard though, quick we gotta run!” Dan flung his head back onto the pillow.

“Go back to bed, Chris.” He could hear a herd of nurses rumbling down the hall in their rubber shoes, presumably after him. Chris groaned.

“Alright gotta blast, bye!” Chris yelled, and with that he took off down the hall in the opposite direction as the sound of the nurses increased. Dan chuckled. He couldn't wait to see how this turned out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one has a tiny bit of smut sorry, if that makes you uncomfy just skip the first part

Dan woke up that morning yet again to a nurse gently prodding his legs. “Sorry,” she apologized. “But you weren’t responding to your name and so our protocol is that if we have to touch you we touch your feet but that felt weird so-“

“It’s okay,” dan laughed. He moved to get out from under his hospital linens before freezing. “Um,” he stammered. “I’ll be out in a second, could you make sure I can use the shower?”

Oblivious to Dan’s discomfort the nurse nodded, walking out. Dan threw back the covers and swung his legs over the side of the bed.

He quickly threw on his longest shirt and baggiest sweatpants, before walking out of his room into the living area. Thankfully no one was there as Louise had discharged the night before and Chris had yet to be seen again after the events of last night. 

Dan made his way to the bathroom, which, thankfully, had been left unlocked for him, and closed the door before anyone could bother him about safety checks. 

He quickly stripped down and turned on the shower water, waiting for it to warm up before ducking in. Phil’s words from the other day came back to him. “They don’t let you take very long showers here.” He'd have to make this quick. 

Water dripped from his brown curls onto the floor as dan looked down. He hastily pressed the hell of his hand down on his crotch, stifling a groan with the other. His eyes clenched shut as he began to jerk off in earnest, pretending it was a pretty girls hand instead of his own. Maybe one with blue eyes. Blue eyes like Phil’s. Except not phil, obviously. He wasn’t gay. Maybe she would bite his lower lip before going lower, black hair tickling Dan’s legs, slender fingers leaving bruises on his hips. 

Dan swiped his thumb through the slit, biting down hard on his knuckles. In his fantasy phil would then- wait, what? No, not phil. Dan was just thinking of him because of his comment before, he reassured himself. It wasn’t phil sucking him off. Yet as dan pictured the scene again, he couldn’t erase Phil’s face. Before he could stop himself, he came with a muffled shout, still picturing Phil’s lips red and swollen. It was a good look on him. 

Red faced and more than a little confused, dan washed his stomach off and turned the shower off. He dried off with the towel the nurse had left him and quickly put his clothes back on. As he closed the bathroom door behind him, dan realized he’d forgotten to wash his hair. 

By the time vitals were done at the nurses station (“your heartbeat is unusually high, are you stressed at all?”) Dan’s breakfast was set out on the table. Chris was still nowhere in sight. He ate quickly and quietly. 

Community meeting was lacking Chris as well. Sliding onto a bench next to phil, dan commented on it. “Where do you reckon he is?”

“Who?” Phil replied.

“Chris. He stole a key card last night and interrupted my beauty sleep.”

“Yeah, looks like you could’ve used some more.”

“Shut up!” Dan giggled. Giggled. He cleared his throat. “But seriously, where’s Chris?”

“R&R, probably. Rest and relaxation, they call it. I’ve never been, but it’s where you go when you’ve done something bad.”

Dan sighed. “How long will he be there?”

“Depends on how fast he writes an apology.”

Suddenly dan realized their legs were touching. He moved to the left a bit. Phil opened his mouth but was interrupted by the start of the community meeting. There were no new intake patients, and the only really notable thing to come out of it was that Pj listed “loneliness,” as one of his triggers. He looked more than a little despondent in the absence of Chris. 

Their group minus one made their way to the second group room. The younger kids had already claimed the first. Dan chose a seat next to Pj, claiming to himself that it was purely to comfort the boy. For god's sake, he looked like an abandoned puppy. It wasn’t because phil was at the other table at all. 

Dan reminded himself that there was no reason to even feel awkward around the boy. It wasn’t like he could know about Dan’s thoughts earlier that morning. 

Yet still, Dan’s face burned in shame. He felt the force of Phil’s gaze on the back of his neck the entire group. 

The subject that day was interpersonal effectiveness skills. 

After group came exercise. Through the windows dan could see sun. He looked forward to relaxing on the fake grass. But as the names of who could go swimming that day were called, dan was surprised to hear his and Phil’s. 

“What?” He said. 

“It looks like you and Philip are no longer SL two,” said the nurse with the clipboard. The rest of the group cheered weakly. 

“...but I don’t even have swim trunks,” dan protested. He looked over at phil, who seemed to be just as shocked as him. 

“Your mum dropped them off yesterday with the rest of your clothes,” the nurse said. Dan blinked. They were lead back to their rooms to change. Dan was still the only one in his ward. He quickly put on his bathing attire and followed the nurse that had come with him back to the group. The walked down to the hospital pool. The room was brightly lit and smelled heavily of chlorine. 

Pj immediately jumped into the water, but was scolded by a nurse. “It’s only four feet deep, love. Did you hurt yourself?” Pj shook his head and continued swimming laps in the twenty foot pool. 

Cautiously dan hopped into the water. He shivered. Phil followed soon after, splashing Dan’s hair. “Hey!” Dan exclaimed. Phil laughed and splashed him, purposefully this time. 

“Alright kids, cut it out,” the nurse called. 

Phil smirked. “You look good when you’re wet.”

Dan scowled, hoping his face wasn’t as red as it felt. 

They swam in silence for a while. Dan kept finding himself having to look away from Phil’s chest. What was wrong with him today? Phil was his friend, nothing more and maybe not even a friend. For fucks sake, they’re literally in a mental hospital!

“Dan?” 

Dan looked up at phil, who stood up from swimming next to him. Water droplets dripped from his black hair down his chest, the same way dan had seen on himself in the shower that morning. He felt his face heat up yet again and-  
“Dan.”

“Yeah?” Dan replied. “Sorry, just a bit distracted.”

Phil nodded. “Relatable. Anyway the nurse lady has been softly yelling at you for the past few minutes. It's time to go.”

“Oh.”

Dan definitely avoided staring at phils ass as he climbed out of the water.

Lunch was completely boring without chris and lou. Zoe, Pj, dan and phil all sat at one table in silence. Desperate to break it, dan said the first thing that came to mind.

“Why were you SL two, phil?”

Everyone stopped eating. Dan immediately got the sense that he'd fucked up.

“Well, it’s kind of a funny story,” Phil said, monotone. “I get bullied for being queer. So i tried to kill myself.”

Dan felt sick. He wasn't sure why he had asked at all. “Oh,” he replied. “Me too-” Phil’s face lit up. “-not the gay part. I’m not. Gay, that is. I’m straight. I only like girls.”

“I think we get it, dan,” zoe said quietly.

Dan wished he didn't have to see the look of pain on phil's face. Phil stood up. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

Zoe and Pj both gave dan the stink eye. “What,” dan protested weakly.

Pj shook his head. “Can't you see how much he likes you?”

“I-”

“Dan.” zoe said. “We get it. Just let him down gently.” dan nodded. 

Phil ignored him for the rest of the day. Dan pretended he didn't mind.


	4. Chapter 4

“Harry Styles?” Dan gasped. “What are you doing in my room?”

Harry laughed. “This is a dream, silly.”

“Oh. that explains why louis is here too.”

“Hi,” louis said with a wave.

“Well then, what are you two doing in my dream?” Dan asked. Harry shrugged.

“No idea, mate. It’s your subconscious.”

“No harry, the mission,” louis whispered urgently. He gestured at Dan. “Can't you see this boy needs help?”

“I’m right here,” Dan said.

Continuing as if he hadn't heard him, harry replied. “Of course he does, look at the state of his hair. That’s some seriously bad bedhead.”

Louis rolled his eyes. “Not that, although you’re right. I’m talking about the sexuality crisis.” Dan froze.

“Um… what?”

Harry took a seat on the side of Dans bed. “Ah.” He took a moment to collect his thoughts. “Dan, are you straight?”

“Yes,” Dan answered immediately.

“So… all those hours of stalking LGBTQ pages on tumblr were just for… research?”

Dan blushed. “I’m trying to be a good ally.”

“Okay. what about those butterflies you get in your stomach when Phil smiles at you, or touches your hand, or when he shared his coloring page with you and you thought you’d implode-”

“Alright, alright i get it.”

Harry smirked and shared a look with louis. “Look, I used to be in the same position. All or nothing right? That’s your mindset?” Dan nodded. “It doesn't have to be this way. Nothing is black and white, especially sexuality.”

“But if i’m not gay or straight, what am I?” Dan whispered. His chest felt tight.

Louis took a seat on his other side and put a hand on his shoulder. “Labels are bullshit.”

Dan woke with a start, sitting straight up. He checked the clock. 6:29. He groaned. That was certainly an interesting dream. 

~

Chris was back. “R&R is a bitch,” he said sullenly. Dan made a non committal noise. Breakfast conversation ended there.

“Hey,” Dan said to Phil before community meeting. He took a seat next to him on the foam block. Phil shifted away slightly. “I’m really, really sorry about yesterday, I wasn't thinking-”

“I’m discharging.”

“You- what?”

“I leave in an hour.”

Dan stared at Phil, dumbstruck. “Why?”

Phil shrugged. “They don't think I’m a threat to myself anymore.” he scratched his wrist absently. Dan was left speechless.

As always, community meeting started with a nurse asking if anyone was new. No one was. “Anyone discharging?” Phil raised his hand. Dans stomach lurched. “Any words of wisdom, Phil?” 

Phil shrugged yet again. “I guess…”

“Would you care to share?”

“Yeah,” Phil said quietly. “I think something i’ve learned here is good things can come out of dark times.” He glanced up at Dan. “That, and don't get put in R&R.” Chris snorted.

~

Dan was close to shaking, he was so anxious. Every so often he would glance at the clock and feel a spike of adrenaline at how close it was to Phils discharge time. Even with all his anxious energy, Dan still felt the warm pull of lethargy. What’s the point, he asked himself. He'd hurt Phil the night before, and he doubted their friendship was strong enough after only a few days for him to forgive Dan quick enough. Besides, what was there to like about Dan anyway?

Self deprecating thoughts were pushed away as Dan noticed a nurse addressing them.

“... cracking down on HIPPA, which is basically a privacy policy in hospitals. This means that there will be absolutely no personal information shared between patients. If you don't understand what we mean by personal information, we are referring to why you're in the pbmu, where you live, your last name, social media, etcetera.”

Great.

Just then, another nurse walked into their room. “Philip Lester?” Dans stomach sank.

Phil stood up. He reached into his paper folder and pulled out a piece of paper. Wordlessly, he handed it to Dan. “See you on the other side,” He winked. And then he was gone.

Dan looked down at the paper Phil had given him. It was the lion they'd colored together on Dan's first day. 

~

Dan’s room was quiet save for the occasional sniffle. The moon peeked through the blinds, illuminating Dans tear stained cheeks. He shuddered, curling up in a ball. Why was he so distraught over Phil leaving? What effect did that boy even have on him, he thought incredulously. But as the thought formed in his mind, a montage of moments he'd spent with Phil came to mind. As he sorted through his memories, feelings he'd repressed came to the surface. His chest panged for what felt like the millionth time that day. 

Dan reached under his thin mattress and pulled out the drawing Phil had given him. Tears fell from his face, staining the page and making the colors bleed. As he wiped his thumb over the ink, Dan noticed writing in one of the geometric shapes making up the lion. He held the paper up to the window, squinting. 

Skype me- AmazingPhil.


End file.
